Do you ever find yourself laughing and then the next minute you're just staring blankly into space? It's like your train of thought never stops and it travels everywhere. Floating mixed words and sentences trying to figure whether you should do this or do that. This situation has led me to be aware that this is more than just overthinking. It's a product of anxiety.
Overthinking. Exhaustion. Bipolar. Depression.
I do look fine, right? You'd never think I was going through something like this. I know I am an overthinker and I thought it was just that until my energy got drained. I felt hopeless. I was tired of everything. I was never the same ever again.
Anxiety follows you around and when you did something you thought you shouldn't, it shakes you and takes you into silence. Whether it's making you regret or question your actions and telling you "because that's just what you are" or that "that's what people think of you". You worry about what people think but at the same time you don't give a fuck because you are too busy thinking.
Your only peaceful moment is when you sleep but then it wakes you up early in the morning, whether you completed your 8 hour sleep or not, you still feel tired or even exhausted. It's like sleep would be the greatest gift of all time.
Sometimes I would feel good and socialize and then all of a sudden I just want to be quiet and be an introvert.
At times I would talk to myself when I'm alone but I guess it's me and my anxiety debating on things. It's usually about the future or whatever situation I'm in. It's me and my anxiety debating whether I should tell my friends about my problem or not. Whatever it is, I end up running away and dealing with things on my own.
I think I've had anxiety attacks. I palpitate and get shaky hands even though I haven't had my dose of caffeine. I sit on them or hold my hands together to be able to at least control the shaking.
You feel you're not fit for anything - work, for someone or life in general.
In the morning as you wake up, this long list in your head starts to scroll down. And what motivates me to move? Keeping me busy will help me take my thoughts off my worries. But then the funny thing is, your mind and body seems like to have their own worlds. Your mind doesn't stop thinking while your body just moves and does what you need to do.
Thinking endlessly, at times I forget. In just seconds I suddenly forget what I was thinking or what I was going to do. I do have a sharp memory but this is happening often. It happens with my phone all the time. I was just holding it and then I forget where it was and find it in weird places such as our fridge. I guess that's where I last went. At times I'd walk into a room and then forget or wonder, why was I there?
I'm a shallow and happy person and it's not that hard to please me. I love laughing, my anxiety doesn't. It's a good way to hide her though and it's me saying "fuck off for now it's my happy time".
It's more than just telling me to look on the brighter side. You don't know how much I try to stay positive.
If you ask me how I am, there's going to be a pause and then I'll say I'm okay. Don't think that I'm a boring person or I'm bored around you. My okay means a thousand words and feelings I want to tell and express to you. It's hard for me to reach out at times. Sometimes you'll find me as a jolly person because I laugh often. It's me showing that I enjoy your company too and I'm comfortable around you. Tell me your thoughts, your story and I will listen. Sometimes I just nod but I am listening. That's the part people don't understand because they think I don't care. I do.
I hate how it plays with your mood like you have your period. It hides behind your smile. It makes you clingy with your friends 'cause with them you feel good. It makes you stick with your family 'cause with them you feel safe. It makes you a needy person. You want love, you want security, you want affection, you want understanding and support and you want people in your life to stay. You need these in your life to battle your exhaustion, to make things less blurry and to help you see the world in a positive way.
You need these things to feel that you're good enough.
Nicole
Pray. <3
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